Wish I Had a Metal Heart
by TigerGait
Summary: Neji doesn't know what the hell to do with Naruto anymore, and it's really taking a toll on him.


Neji finds Naruto standing in front of the coffin.

It has been six hours since the funeral procession, and yet the boy – er, man – hasn't budged an inch. Neji glances over at Tenten, who is standing beside him, also staring out through the cloak of grey rain.

She looks at him and he looks away; he can feel her gaze on his cheek, trying to bore a hole through him. He's known her long enough to know what her face looks like at this moment (eyebrows knotted together; auburn eyes pleading; and the horrible feeling of knowing that this strong, beautiful woman may let loose a few tears any second) and he realizes that he doesn't ever want to have her look at him like this ever again.

Finally, he grunts at her. "Fine. I'll go talk to him,"

Neji knows that when you can barely see twenty feet ahead of you in thick rain it is going to be heavy; but when he walks across the grass toward his comrade it feels as though God's hands are pressing down upon his shoulders. He doesn't know if it's the weather or the after feelings of the funeral, but he knows that he doesn't like it and he wants to go home. He notes that, as he gets closer to the man, the pressing on his shoulders becomes harder. He wonders if it's a coincidence.

He stops next to him; staring down at the coffin. He stands motionless for a moment, but suddenly the fact that his cousin is lying in the coffin and she'll never, ever sit up again strikes him and he feels his body shudder, so he turns to the blonde man next to him. His bangs fall in front of his eyes, which are too puffy and too red and too not blue to ever cry again. His shoulders are slumped and his hands are locked in front of him exactly like they had been six hours ago and he (yet again feels that shudder coming on, goddammit) looks up to the sky.

The first thing he thinks is _oh, there are no birds today_ to which it's replied to by _of course not, you idiot, it's raining fucking cats and dogs_ and the other replies _why do you suppose it's raining, then?_ and it's answered by _cause she fucking died, you fucking moron_ and the other says _hmm? why did she die?_ and again, it's answered by _because you couldn't save her, you fucking useless asshole. you weren't there, why the fuck weren't you there? you can't expect that goddamn fleabag and that stupid bug-user to do shit, you fucking idiot_ and the other persists on, saying _but they did all they can, and it's certainly not their fault that she's died_ and suddenly there is this booming voice, screaming _WHO THE FUCK CARES, SHE IS FUCKING DEAD, YOU FUCKING MORON. YOU DIDN'T DO A FUCKING THING, YOU DIDN'T FUCKING STOP HER AND WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T YOU? SHE FUCKING NEEDED YOU AND YOU DIDN'T DO A THING, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?_ and suddenly Neji is crying these fat, wet tears that roll down his cheeks and refuse to part from his body so they soak into his dress shirt.

"You know," He looks at the man next to him, and it dawns on him that this is the first time he's spoken ever since they heard the news. "I don't know if I loved her or not,"

He is so angry. Neji is so goddamn angry he wants to throw him across the lawn and rip off his dick and shove it so far down his throat until it can't go any further but still continue to push it in until –

"A-And," A sniffle. "I-I hate that. Because I … I feel like I let her down. I mean, sh-she," Sniffle. "L-_Loved_ m-me … She a-almost d-died for m-me," Sniffle. "a-and I," Another sniffle. "I can't e-even l-love h-her b-back?"

His voice cracks as he goes on, ending most of his sentences with sniffles, as his shoulders droop lower and lower. His eyes don't squeeze shut like most do when they cry, instead keeping them on the coffin. Neji just stares at him like an idiot, mouth half open.

He goes on for what feels like minutes but must have been hours; he listens the whole time and finds out things that must have been kept secrets. He hears that he kissed her, he hugged her, he touched her – he even slipped into her room very late at night and just – _talked_. That seemed so very unlikely of him, but that was probably the reason it stayed a secret. (If Hiashi knew then he probably wouldn't have spared him any mercy, anyway.) And he heard how when people like the fleabag or Shikamaru or even Lee touched her shoulder or something, he got so angry and so possessive and so fucking _angry, goddamn_. And how – how when she couldn't stop crying over how her little sister was murdered when the village was attacked by Hawk, he wanted to kill himself because he told her _stay here, okay? you'll be safe, i promise_ and then ran off to beat up some guys he could easily take when he could have just taken her to her dad, that's what she was begging for him to do, too, _please take me to my father, please please please i want my daddy i want to know if he's okay_ and she never did find out if he was okay or not, and he just. He just. Held her, saying that he was sorry, repeating sorry over and over and over for hours, and he would keep saying sorry for days on end.

"A-And e-e-even a-after a-all th-th-that … I-I st-still c-can't s-say th-that I-I-I l-love h-her!" He wails.

And he stops. He stops making noises, his face in his hands and his knees on the ground. Neji stands there looking at him, continuing to argue with himself about _should i try saying something?_ and then saying _no, you idiot, what the fuck can you say to him?_ and it just goes from there again. He turns to the coffin, looking down at the sleek black surface, silently asking, in the midst of his inner conflict, his long dead cousin _what should i say? what should i do?_ Because Neji doesn't know what to do when people cry, and he hates admitting it, because he's supposed to be so goddamn great at fucking everything all the fucking time.

But of course, she doesn't answer.

Neji feels like crying again. The man makes a noise beneath him, a weak, stifling sob, ending with a depressing squeak. He looks at him, his body now hunched over, his arms wrapped around his stomach, his head in the grass. As he stares at his head, he sees that, wow, his hair's so long now, when did that happen? and god, when did his shoulders get so broad?

He looks back up at the sky. "It sounds like,"

For the moment, Naruto lifts his head from the ground, looking up at Neji from his pit of sobbing and self-loathing.

"You really did love her, Naruto."

And Naruto, shoving his forehead back into the grass, fresh tears springing from his eyes, whimpering _i'msorryi'msorryi'msorryi'msorry i'm so so sorry, hinata, i'm so sorry_, really does believe he did.


End file.
